And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
