I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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