party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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