I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize