Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
