He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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