apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
