My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
