rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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