shes about as inviting as chlamydia
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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