So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
