he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
