Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
