Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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