I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
