i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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