glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
