it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
