Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
