Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
