No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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