I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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