I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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