we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
