There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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