i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
