I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
