he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
