life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
