I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
from now on my penis is your penis
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
