my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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