true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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