The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
