dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
