i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
