Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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