in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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