I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
