I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
