If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
