If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
