The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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