What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
