Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
