I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize