Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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