I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
