i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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