Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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