I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize