new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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