Soap is not a condiment
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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