Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
