so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
