mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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