I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
