Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
