I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
