god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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