Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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